Ghosting is essentially when a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand; as well as ignoring the friend or partner’s attempts to reach out or communicate. Done in hopes that the ghostee (the person being ghosted by another) will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to simply telling them that he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not gender-specific and is often related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills.
There has been a monumental rise in ghosting, attributed to the increasing use of social media and online dating apps in the past decade.
There is no black and white when it comes to love; the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference (wince). Ghosting, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced it (lucky you), is having someone whom you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all! No phone call, no email, no social media connection, not even a text. The act of ghosting isn’t new, people have been doing it for years. Despite how common ghosting is, irrespective of the relationship, the emotional effects are often devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem.
How do you know you’ve been ghosted?
You’re in a relationship or friendship. Suddenly, and probably without any warning at all, your partner or friend disappears. No calls, no text messages, no connection made on social media, no responses to any of your messages. Odds are, your partner/friend hasn’t skipped town because of a family emergency, or isn’t lying dead in a ditch somewhere but, rather, has simply ended the relationship without bothering to explain or even let you know. You’ve been ghosted.
What it Means to Ghost and Be Ghosted
Ghosting isn’t limited to long-term romantic relationships. Informal dating relationships, friendships, and even work relationships may end with a form of ghosting. For the person who does the ghosting (read ghoster), simply walking away from a relationship, or even a potential relationship, is a quick and easy way out. No drama, no hysterics, no questions asked, no need to provide answers or justify any of their behavior, and no need to deal with someone else’s feelings. Certainly, while the ghoster may benefit from avoiding an uncomfortable situation and any potential drama, they’ve done nothing to improve their own conversation and relationship skills for the future.
For the person who is ghosted (read ghostee), there is no closure and often deep feelings of uncertainty and insecurity. Initially, you wonder “what’s going on?” When you realize the other person has ended the relationship, you’re left to wonder why, what went wrong in the relationship, what’s wrong with you, what’s wrong with them, and how you didn’t see this coming.
What to Do If You’re Ghosted
Ghosting hurts; it’s a cruel rejection. It is particularly painful because you are left with no rationale, no guidelines for how to proceed, and often a heap of emotions to sort through on your own. If you suffer from any abandonment or self-esteem issues, being ghosted may bring them to the forefront.
In this age of ever-advancing technology, your ghoster is likely to appear on your various forms of social media and, if that’s the case, this person who is now physically gone from your life is still quite visible. How do you move on? Unfortunately, there’s no magic bullet or proven advice to quickly guide you into recovery from a ghosted heart, but there is common sense.
After you stop torturing yourself by going over old photos, saved old texts, new social media postings, and anything else you think might give you insight into the mind and current whereabouts of your ghoster (and let’s face it, you’re bound to be doing that even if you’re not normally an obsessive person), try to find a new distraction. Perhaps most importantly, know that this probably isn’t about you or anything you did wrong.
In a gist, try to move on as quickly and completely as you can. Maintain your dignity and stay focused on your own health, happiness, and future, leaving the ghoster to deal with the ultimate repercussions of their own immaturity and lack of courage in the context of a relationship.
Why does it feel so bad?
Rejection is known to activate the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. Ghosting in addition to that contributes to psychological distress as well.
Ghosting creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened. Staying connected to others is so important to our survival that our brain has evolved to have a social monitoring system that scans the environment for cues so that we know how to respond in social situations.
One of the most basic aspects of ghosting is that it doesn’t just cause you to question the validity of the relationship you had, it causes you to question yourself! Why didn’t I see this coming? Why was I such a poor judge of character? What did I do to cause this? How do I protect myself from this ever happening again? This self-questioning is natural and often a result of the clash between feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. With rejection, your self-esteem can drop.
Ghosting, the ultimate use of silent treatment, has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.
Regardless of the ghoster’s intent, ghosting is a passive-aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises and scars.
How do you move forward?
What you must remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love; and everything about the ghoster. It shows he or she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions, and they either don’t understand the impact of their behavior or worse don’t care. What this means is, they are sending you a clear loud message that says, “I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you.” Be the better person, take the high road, retain your dignity, and let him or her go peacefully.
As painful as it may be, don’t lose your vulnerability by shutting yourself off from another relationship. Focus on doing what makes you happy. Know that if you are someone who treats people with respect and integrity then the ghoster simply wasn’t on your wavelength and someone better is coming your way.
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